By Missy E.
It seems like the main reoccurring advice my therapist likes to stress at our sessions is creating healthy boundaries. If I think about it, creating these safe, assertive spaces as a way of self-preservation—mentally, physically and emotionally—served me well during some of the most stressful adult situations in my personal life.
On a scale of 1-10 of personal traumatic experiences, I consider my record pretty low on the scale, especially if heartbreak is the bane of it. Nonetheless, having not too many traumatic experiences, whether good or bad, is just how life turned out for me. I've been blessed to grow up in a two-parent household and not that perfection ever existed in an immigrant household of working parents, but love and support coexisted on a decent scale.
Yet, when it came to my independence as an adult, I had no blueprint to self-preservation except my coping mechanisms as a child or teen it seems like. I wanted to dig into this deeper myself now as a 35+-year-old adult. I was like 'what drives me to be such a people pleaser?'—and one thought that came to surface was my years and years as a nice, popular person in school and extracurricular activities. I roll my eyes just typing that, but relationships were, and are, key to my existence as a human. I put them on a high level of importance.
But for so long, I think I put everyone else's convenience and comfortability ahead of my own. It's weird.
I never considered myself the stereotypical popular person in school as if I was a mean girl, where popularity depended on belittling someone else. On the contrary, I met people where they were, exactly where they were. I didn't judge people for their unique and weird things that made them who they were. Heck, I'm weird, heck, we're all weird in some way or another. It's what makes us human and individuals.
The facet of being a Christian also came with those tenants of 'don't judge others, be kind, be nice, be helpful, be selfless' and maybe, just maybe, that was also a huge factor in how I valued relationships.
Prom Queen. Homecoming Queen. I was voted that title all throughout high school without asking anyone for anything. I was just myself. Weird, quirky and heck, might I say funny. I wasn't afraid to make fun of myself. Life wasn't that serious. We've all got to put our ego to the side most of the times.
But here I am, digging into my past to understand my present.
I cared too much that another person wasn't comfortable. I cared too much about other people's emotions to the point that I thought I was strong for putting my own needs to the back burner (shaking my head). Let me give myself some grace.
It's just an icky thought. I cringe my face. Time. After. Time. After. Time. I put Melissa's emotions and needs behind everyone in a room to the point that I would withstand social gatherings, interactions with an ex and his girlfriend whom I suspected they always had an undying friendship/love affair for years (They're married now, btw).
Time. After. Time. After. Time. I would put on a smile and keep it moving, ultimately gaslighting myself over and over for the sake of status quo as a social group (this is pre-COVID lockdown where I realized a lot of those groups were just for fun and good times). It was like I was in the room and I forgot to love myself enough to stand up for myself...better, in a way of self-awareness.
Real ones would check in on how I was doing. If I think about it, the Dr. Seuss quote rings true: those who matter don't mind and those who mind, don't matter. If someone can't respect your boundary or method of self-preservation, then that relationship needs some re-evaluating.
I tell that young woman now: it's okay. You were trying your best at the time. You know better.
Maybe that's something we should all do. Forgive our younger self for decisions where we put everyone else but ourselves first for far too long. We can free ourselves from whatever we compartmentalized that is now triggering us now. I think unpacking that kind of emotional work is healthy. It's called growth.
My husband said we will always be unpacking past traumas that are triggered in the present, so consider it a mental/emotional exercise that we will get stronger at. Maybe we didn't resolve what needed to be resolved back then.
Most importantly, consider creating and setting healthy boundaries for yourself. What that looks like for me these days, is that even though I considered myself always a person who kept things 100, I'm more assertive. I'm more direct. I'm going to express my feelings more responsibly without having to tip-toe. I'll make my expectations way more clear instead of assuming people get it.
This won't be an overnight solution, but I already notice how having this as the foundation is great in the long-run. Love yourself enough to try that now. Our future selves will appreciate it. Our past selves will be proud.
For more information on setting healthy boundaries, check out this article HERE.
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